I've been in this city for more than half a month, and I seem to have gotten used to life here. At this moment, for some reason, I feel a hint of sadness. I can't find the reason, can't see the cause, and can't untangle my thoughts. It's this inexplicable sadness that makes me feel gloomy, indifferent to everything, and cold…
Bored with self-study, bored with military training, bored with **the front line, unable to see what else I have to do, unable to see the endless falling of blossoms, unable to count the bits and pieces. I really don't know what I will have left in the end…
Loneliness, the loneliness I felt when I first arrived still exists. This feeling is enough to suffocate a person. Living alone requires too much courage. I once thought university life would be so wonderful, that I could quickly say goodbye to loneliness and step into a new life. Now I think back to the times when I was with old friends, feeling comfortable, real, reliable, and trustworthy. At the last gathering, a classmate said something: university students use their extra time to scheme against each other. It’s still more comfortable when we are together, without worrying about being hurt…
I believe many people have this feeling. In university, there is also true emotion. Perhaps I haven't discovered it yet as a newcomer to university. I feel that this complex circle is not suitable for my current life. Maybe in the future, I will become like them now. No matter what, I still believe that this time should not come, forever…
Now, I don't want to change my original intention of entering university for any reason. However, there are always various reasons forcing me to make unwanted changes: time, money, emotions, women—so many uncertain factors. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Just like how she can no longer accompany me through the reunion of the Mid-Autumn Festival, a problem that seemed simple has been ruthlessly shattered by time.
Loneliness may make a person blind for a moment, just as loneliness is temporary. When you think clearly, you realize that at this time, no one is indispensable to anyone, nothing can exist forever, and no one cannot leave. The vows of the past have turned into the low murmurs of the returning wild geese, heart-wrenching and sorrowful. When the flocks of geese can no longer be seen flying south, when the leaves on the parasol tree turn yellow and then green again, my unchanging sorrow plays on, drifting like that distant flute sound, endlessly; just like Li Houzhu's "This hatred is like the green grass, the further it goes, the more it grows."
With such a lesson learned, I thought I would not make the same mistake again, but who can know, haha…
Night of September 24, 2010