The past is like fleeting clouds; you don't know when it will appear or where, and you also don't know when it will disappear from the sky. Perhaps it has always lingered there; you just haven't paid attention to its existence. You have grown accustomed to the sky with it, so it has changed in your world.
That night was still as slightly cold as usual. I continued to live my monotonous days in my own sky, doing work I didn't like. But fate played a cruel joke on me.
When I was eighteen, I had obtained what I wanted, but twenty-two days before my twentieth birthday, fate stripped me of my ownership of it. The harsh reality once again made me see the truth of this society. I don't understand why there is gain, followed by loss.
My sky has always been clear, and that cloud lingered for a long time. The gray wind obscured the time limit between her and me. We both knew of each other's existence, but we could only see each other's faces and touch each other's presence on sunny days.
I don't know if it's because I'm not too greedy; I have always worked hard to claim her as my own, so I have been striving diligently. But perhaps she thought I neglected her. So she chose to leave, and by the time I realized all this, it was too late to stop it from happening.
This cloud left me with many beautiful memories and taught me a lot; I am grateful for its presence, but I cannot stop its forward march.
I have always told others that I wouldn't admit to being twenty on my birthday. But deep down, I know that it's just a form of psychological comfort. Perhaps everyone has had moments of fear; we may seem carefree most of the time, but everyone has their fears. I don't know what I'm afraid of; perhaps it's just time.
That night, I thought a lot.
From the small details of childhood to the larger events. I reflected on many past things, and I don't know if this decision is right. However, for me or for us, there is no excuse to turn back now.
We have all been naive, but time won't let you remain naive forever. That is merely an excuse found by cowards in the face of failure; naivety feels very distant to me now. I am confused about what my existence is for.
Just yesterday, during that difficult night, I experienced a small transformation in my life. I dared not cry in front of others. At night, I was lost in thought, confused. I desperately sought meaning and relief from cigarettes, but what I found was endless silence and loneliness.
I really want to know, what do those past memories amount to?
Are they a condemnation of my conscience? Or are they a fleeting happiness to be used when I grow old?