In 2012, I was in Shanghai.
So many things happened, with sadness outweighing joy. I should still be grateful that I am alive.
My relationship with my parents was sometimes tense, sometimes warm like cotton.
I crave every bit of warmth they give me, yet I feel uncontrollable sadness when I think of certain things.
I fear losing them, desperately trying to hold onto them with all my energy during every moment I feel insecure. Yet in every moment of loss, I want to hide myself in the dust, unnoticed.
While I feel their laughter, I also experience loss.
The relatives I care about the most, my dear cl and lx.
They hit my soft spot in the most unexpected ways, hurting me in special ways.
I painfully reflect on myself and think about my interactions with everyone I care about, ultimately arriving at a convincing conclusion: only by not getting emotionally involved can one avoid sadness.
Only by not caring can one avoid being hurt.
Even the ones I love the most can cause pain; what in this world is safe and trustworthy?
Perhaps there are indeed pure people and persistent things in this world, but for me, I would rather not have them than bear the pain of loss.
So, to those who have treated me well but whom I have rejected, thank you, but please forgive me; the rejection is not because you are not excellent enough, but because I am simply not a suitable person.
Throughout 2012, due to emotional control over my thoughts, many beautiful wishes and plans were not realized.
Too many things I wanted to do ultimately lacked the courage. Some things I never obtained and wishes I never fulfilled have finally become wounds in my heart, no longer to be touched.
On the last day of 2012, I mustered the courage to contact someone I care about and unexpectedly received a surprising reply.
During the Spring Festival at home, the atmosphere around was filled with matchmaking, and I went on a few blind dates with my cousin, feeling that they were behaving quite immaturely. Perhaps I really am getting old.
I endure the scrutiny of every aunt and uncle like walking on thin ice, carefully answering every sensitive topic. I truly fear they will all say to me, "Let me introduce you to someone."
I am relieved that my mom did not force me to go on blind dates, only saying, "You should get married before your zodiac year."
A casual remark that brought me great pressure: do I have to get married within three years? This is terrifying.
Why does it feel like suddenly I have aged?
In 2013, I want to live for myself, do the things I enjoy, see the scenery I like, and go to the places I want to go.
Let go of those hurt feelings and bravely live in my own world.
Not caring about others and their matters, I will focus on living for myself for a year; time is running out.
Maybe tomorrow I won't be in this world anymore; loving anyone is not as important as loving myself.
What I can't let go of may just be a habit.
Loneliness is also a habit.